Blink (and you’ll miss it)

I haven’t been able to stop blinking for the last three days and it is making my life into the most unnecessary strobe light extravaganza of partial sightedness. As soon as the eyes open, they close, and as soon as they close, they open! I can’t sleep! I can’t correctly operate a zoetrope! I can’t nothing!

I wedged one eye open with a matchstick, a trick I learned from a cartoon, but my forceful eyelid crashed down and broke the stick in two. I tried covering my eyes with an airplane-style “light-blocking mask” but the vibration of my head caused it to sliiiiiiiiiide over my ears and away.

This is torture? This is torture. I am going to the Post Office post-office. The disabled toilet is disabled. I am making a record of the records this broken record has broken. 1: Best-selling. 2: Best-smelling. 3: Least influential. 4: Yeast influenza?