Identicrime

somebody has been impersonating me and riding on boats using a replica of my passport and drinking my milk. I first realised this when I went to make a cup of non-denominational hot drink and there was no milk. earlier when I had performed my daily milk-cataloguing there had been plenty – the explanation? fraud and scandal. I realised the boat thing when I received a postcard from a man with my face, riding on a ship that I had never seen before, addressed to and signed by myself.

to prevent this from happening again, I have changed my image in secret. if this person (or persons) attempts to impersonate me again, they will now in fact be impersonating the person I used to be, which is to say, the person I no longer am. in addition, my final acts as the person I used to be were several unpleasant crimes which have led the global police to issue a warrant for my old face’s arrest. they are sure to swoop soon, landing this impostor in VERY hot water inDEED.