Posted on May 3, 2011
Celebrations
They gave me a slab of beef in commemoration of my birth, though I could not remember the exact date. Lit candles were plunged into the raw flesh, where they hung at awkward angles and dripped hot wax onto the tender meat.
We sang a tuneless song, “Your Anniversary”, that one of them had composed. He had brought along a sheet of complex notation but none of us could comprehend it, so our massed voices created an unpleasant discord. He hammered pointlessly at a broken piano and we eventually limped to a conclusion.
Three boxes lay discarded at my feet, the contents held aloft for an unwanted photograph that would be briefly stapled into a home-made photograph album. Like all things, it would be lost in a fire, or a flood, or thrown away to make room for more, newer undesirables.
I had told them that I loved music. I received a punctured bagpipe; a torn squeezebox; a framed painting of a sousaphone, worn in a disorganised manner by an overweight Austrian.
It was the best birthday ever.
Posted on April 29, 2011
THEY CALL THIS A WEDDING
THEY CALL THIS A WEDDING but I call it the clanking of gears
everyone is looking up as though a smell of burning has just appeared
in the cabin of an airplane shortly before takeoff, as the engines start to roar
and a blinking light comes on and the flight attendants fall to the floor
and I wonder, why do the papers with their thick fonts and their writing
try to gel the entire world into thinking this bilge is exciting?
what do they think this combination of lizards can be worth
when they ignore the unspeakable marriage of moon and earth?
THEY CALL THIS A WEDDING but I call it Friday.
Posted on April 28, 2011
The Unbearable Smell of the Witch
Rooting through my belongings in search of something to gnaw upon, I came across the only remaining copy of my 1997 single The Unbearable Smell of the Witch, which would have been released and probably would have conquered the world were it not for a series of mishaps.
These songs have never been released before, but in the spirit of goodwill and treachery, I present them now.
Click Here to access the page.
Posted on April 27, 2011
The Grentvoc
He called it a “Grentvoc”. I was perplexed, excited and hungry when I looked at it, but it wasn’t for eating. At least, it didn’t seem to be. It shimmered and rotated and those are not qualities I expect from provisions. Nevertheless, I reached out my tongue and gently touched the side of the item.
“Don’t do that”, he said. “You stand to lose your jaw.”
I retracted my tongue, all the way back into my head. His voice had the serious tone to it that I associate with disgraced politicians.
“I’m going to take it away now”, he said. “You should feel proud that you got to see it. Most people never will.”
I suppose I did feel proud, but also perplexed, excited and hungry, and my tongue pecked at my teeth impatiently.
Posted on April 26, 2011
Duet for Tape Sines
This out-take from the recordings of my upcoming opus was performed simultaneously on two humming tape-decks, a ballet of sound that I attempted to take commercial at venues such as Sydney’s distinctive “Opera” house. I found the commissioning agents of these properties surprisingly inflexible, and as such I present this for you now.
Toby-Vok-Duet-For-Tape-Sines.mp3
Posted on April 17, 2011
From the Vok Archives: Toby’s Snare Drum
During the 1980s, I wrote a weekly article for Sound Upon Sound magazine in which I detailed methods for construction of musical instruments that I had personally invented. My archives were destroyed in 1996 (due to flooding), as were all records of the magazine’s existence, but I have managed to perfectly remember the text of one of the articles, in which I built the perfect drum. Original text follows.
Toby Vok’s Snare Drum
you will need:
- 1 x empty shoebox (you can discard or eat the shoes)
- 43 grains of rice
- a length of silver foil
- some strong tape
- check that the box is still empty. something may have crawled inside and died. if it is not empty, empty it.
- if any time has passed since you completed step one, check again that the box is empty.
- fold the silver foil in half to make a “packet” or “pouch”. fold over the edges to prevent the rice from escaping.
- pour the rice inside, being careful not to spill any.
- if any of the rice has fallen inside the box, empty the box. ensure that it is empty.
- tape the foil onto the underside of the lid of the shoebox, using the strong tape.
- replace the lid, sealing the box and preventing anything from entering or dwelling within the box.
- hit the box, over and over again, with a stick or twig.
NEXT WEEK:
Toby makes a bass drum out of a sofa and a tennis ball.
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I used this drum, this perfect drum, on my 1987 hit single “The Unbearable Smell of the Witch”, which will soon be available from the music page, once I work out how to convert my audio recordings into a computer-sensitive format.
